Doctor Google PhD Says I Need Lithium. I think I Might Be Normal. Or Not.

When I feel even a small twinge of pain, I flip my shit. Pain means something is wrong somewhere, and I need to know what it is. And since, I don’t have medical insurance until Obama gives me his care or makes me get it (I really don’t understand this policy or politics in general), I go to the best doctor I know and he’s free.

Dr. Google, PhD.

9 times out of 10, Google sends me right to a WebMD page that says I’m dying or all of my teeth are falling out and of course I flip my shit. Again.

I’ve learned that you should probably ignore the first one or two results that Google gives you because I think they’re given to you in order to make you scared so you’ll Google even more.

EXAMPLE:

Google: Stuffy nose, sore throat, lump in throat, red eyes, coughing mucus

RESULT 1: CANCER

RESULT 2:  TRANSPLANT

RESULT 3: Calm down, you have a cold. Take Nyquil and CHILL THE HELL OUT.

A few months back you might remember my daring attempt at cutting all chemicals from my daily routine. Since I’ve been on some sort of anti-anxiety medication since 2004 sometime, I figured my body needed a break. I’ve done it. Mostly. I’m completely off daily anti-anxiety medications, haven’t taken anything for months. I have reached for a Xanax on a few occasions in which I’ve felt Panic Attacks coming on. But I don’t take them daily anymore.

Also, did you know that a large amount of the general population is on Xanax? Like, I’ve talked to a few people about my little moodiness thing I’m going through and they’re all “Yeah, I’m on Xanax!”

That suddenly explains the behavior of all of the stupid people. I just tell myself they took an extra Xanax. Or, maybe they ran out of Xanax and are getting their Rx filled today.

ANYWAY.

Since I’ve been off of the medications, I’ve been overly aware of my moods. I know when I’m feeling good and I take note of what makes me feel that way. The same with anger, fear, and ALL THE EMOTIONS. It would make sense for me to start a Mood Journal, but I mostly do it in my head. I fear leaving my Mood Journal around the house and having one of my housemates see it opened, and read “July 9th, 2012 – Want to kill everyone. Bought new Rachael Ray knives. Feel better now!” So I haven’t done that yet.

What I have noticed is that I’m doing a lot of Rapid Mood Cycling. I feel super great fantastic for a few minutes or an hour, an then I crash and feel horrible. I stoke myself up for social situations with family or friends, but get there and almost instantly feel anxious and want to go home. If I don’t have a way home, as in, I didn’t drive myself and my “ride” isn’t there, I inevitably have to try and ward off an anxiety attack.

This weekend I was very excited for the annual family 4th of July Barbecue. I made my famous Jell-o Shots (Which really, I just pour sugar, add a lot of booze, and chill), and was ready for a fun day of drinking and swimming and playing with the little ones. Within 30 minutes of arriving, I was freaking out on the inside, wanting to leave, missing home, wanting to go into a quiet room, etc. Just as difficult as having those feelings is hiding those feelings. I had the normal conversations with the normal people and didn’t even hint once that I was feeling so anxious that I might go fetal position at any moment.

But I’m not crazy, I don’t think, at least. I get up everyday. I do work. I date. I do social events. I’m cool.

It’s almost as if half of me is telling myself that everything is fine, there’s nothing to worry about, and the other side is telling me all of the things that could possibly go wrong. I’ve read this as a symptom of Bipolar, however my GREAT VS OMFG-THIS SUCKS moods aren’t months at a time. Typically people cycle at mania levels for a few weeks, then slip into depression. My sad times are more prominent, but my happy times come too. They just turn off really quickly. Hell, I wish I had happiness or depression that lasted 3 weeks at a time, dude. I can’t keep up with these hour to hour mood changes some days.

And it’s not the SAD depression, really. It’s more like an irritability or lack of motivation. Kind of ilke a case of the Mondays. Every other hour.

I can go weeks with being fine, with normalcy, but then I go through a few months where the mood cycling is just nuts!

Dr. Google, PhD says I have:

1. Cancer

2. Extreme BiPolar that needs Lithium as treatment

3. Some kind of General Anxiety Disorder.

If this is the case, medication might be the right thing here. The key will be the RIGHT medication, and not just the easiest thing. Plus, getting back in the habit of therapy, too.

I don’t consider this a failure at cutting chemicals out of my body. Not at all. If I have a true chemical imbalance, then medication may be required. ¬†I’m going to my Primary Doctor tomorrow to get her opinion of it all. Maybe I’ll walk out with an Rx.

Or maybe I just need to eat more Omega-3 and work at the beach so I get some natural Vitamin-D.

Either way, bring it. I can take this shit on.

Of course, there’s always the slight possibility that I’m normal, and this is just what life is about — a series of emotions and learning to ride the waves.

WHO EFFING KNOWS?

BRB. ASKING GOOGLE PhD!