Lifeaversary | 6

It’s my Lifeaversary today.  Actually, it’s my Lifeaversary in 6 days, but you know me being on top of things. (Wink)

For the past 6 years, I’ve celebrated my Life-a-versary — the day that I decided to choose life over…well, not life, and started on what would be the most difficult journey to self-discovery and acceptance ever. I spent such a long time carrying such a massive burden on my shoulders. I really think that my disdain for mornings was due to the fact that moving, walking, just getting up was physically and emotionally painful from dragging along all of the crap…. the baggage – the expectations – the belief that I had to pretend to be someone I wasn’t in order to be liked. Letting all of that go was the most powerful thing I’ve ever done.

When someone asks me how I am, or how I’m doing — the only thing I can think to say is “lighter”, “free-er”, “calm-er” — but even that doesn’t begin to describe the amount of relief that I feel.  I wake up every single morning and am grateful for everything.

Okay, that’s a bit of a lie. For the first 10 minutes of being awake, I hate the world. But after that, I’m grateful. For everything. For YOU.

This year — particularly the last 6 months — I’ve taken a huge step back from just about everything and asked the question “Does this bring me joy?” and “Would I want my daughter to be in this situation?” – If the answer to either of these was no, I walked away.

I ditched friendships. I ditched relationships. I ditched clients. Most of all, I ditched apologizing for being who I am. I’m not afraid to tell someone “hey, this isn’t working”, “i don’t have time for negativity”, or my personal favorite, #byefelicia.

I know I’m not perfect — God, I’m my own number one critic. If you were to ask me right now what my flaws are, I would name 50. But what’s changed for me, especially this year, is that I can also tell you what makes me a kickass person who deserves happiness and doesn’t deserve to be treated with disrespect or carelessness — especially by my own self.  I can honestly say that despite my flaws, despite my mistakes, despite my little quirks and imperfections, I’m pretty dang awesome in my on right. Or as I like to say, “I’m charming as f*ck”.  And that doesn’t require an apology.

One of the things that I wholeheartedly believe is that we accept the love that we think we deserve. I accepted relationships because I thought I couldn’t get any better. I accepted friendships because I thought that merely talking to me deserved recognition. I said “yes” in situations where I clearly meant “no”.  Wanna fail really fast? Try to please every-damn-one. I wish I would have known that a few years ago.

I know my worth now and I don’t accept anything less. I say no. I ask for help. I stand firm in the beliefs that I know to be true. I’m ridiculously resilient. I fall down sometimes — I fail — I let things fall through cracks — but I always get back up again and start fresh. I apologize where it’s due, and I mean absolutely everything that I say.

So this year, I’m short on words, but not on gratitude for everyone who has seen me through the past few years. Instead of a huge celebration this year, I’m going to therapy, and the Incubus concert… because that’s what I want to do, and both of those things bring me joy. But if you offered me a pancake breakfast or brunch date, I wouldn’t turn you guys down. I also would accept a cardboard cutout of Edward Cullen or Dexter. Take notes.

As I enter year 7, I can proudly say that I’ll stop banking on the phrase “It gets better” and move on to “It got better”.  And I’ll even throw in a “I love this life, now.” Because really. I love it. I don’t love it everyday. And some days I want to bitch slap every one I come into contact with, but they’re just days, and they always pass.

I don’t know whether it’s the fact that my best friend had a baby that I’m so in love with. Or that I almost lost someone so incredibly important to me, but he survived. Or that I had a spiritual awakening knowing that my Grandmother has a firm hand in helping guide my way — or a combination of all of these things. All I know is that I am filled with so much gratitude for everyone, everything, and every moment in my life.

In the coming months, I will be very busy being awesome, all in preparation for my now yearly trip to Florida with my family and to see my dad. I could have gone anywhere for my birthday vacation, but honestly, there’s nowhere I’d rather be.

Except maybe at IHOP. Or your house holding hands watching Dexter while I longingly picture myself stroking Michael C. Hall’s beautiful face.

Some things never change, Internet.

 

Wanna read about Life-a-versaries Past? 

 Lifeaversary 5
Lifeaversary 4
Lifeaversary 3
Lifeaversary 2 

 

Being Stuck + The Decision To Do Something About It

Ugh, yo.

I’ve been hit with a mess of crap over the last year and a half. As everything starts to settle, something else happens. The highs and lows of life man. Brutal.

As things start to (hopefully) settle for me again and I sort through all the things, I’ve started to notice that I feel kind of…off. I’ve been struggling a bit with my gloomy-moods. The approach I’ve been taking is to just let them pass, and then wait for the next one. It’s worked alright for a while.. the whole “fake it until you make it” approach. But let me get real… I’m kind of tired of constantly waiting for the next wave to hit without making any forward progress.

It’s like…treading water, almost.

While some aspects of my life are precisely how I want them, others are just…off, somehow. I don’t know.

But I do know that I feel not good more often than I feel good.

That’s all I really intended to say. I’ve had this post basically saved in drafts for a few weeks. I just couldn’t work up the energy to post it. It’s been like THAT. I probably also didn’t want to fess up to the fact that maybe everything isn’t okay. I mean… it’s fine. But not great. I’m used to not being great, so it’s nothing new. I don’t mean that to sound so emotional and negative, I’m just used to being kind of base-line content. Not joyful. Not overwhelmingly happy. Just…meh. Fine.

The one thing I’ve become really good at is getting stuck. It’s great that I can recognize that I’m stuck in place right now. It’s cool to be in a holding pattern. I know that. But it’s not so good that I’ve just come to accept it and not DO anything about it.

***

To know me is to know the following:

  • I love food. Especially pancakes. And steak. And cheese. And carbs. Just food, really. If it goes into my mouth, I heart it.
  • I don’t like working out, I only do it because I like to eat.
  • I don’t care about numbers on a scale, so long as I feel good.
  • I won’t write something unless I mean it.

For the last few months, I’ve been quietly stalking some friends and internet people who are eating clean and saying they feel “So great!” I find it hard to beleive that eating differently can make a difference in your life. I feel really, REALLY happy after eating a big-booty plate of pancakes. I mean, have you SEEN me eat pancakes? Bliss. I don’t think that’s clean eating. But it’s good eating.

However.

I’m doing to most off-the-wall-crazy-crap I’ve ever decided to do.

A 10 day body cleanse.

WHAT? WHY? I ALREADY REGRET IT. Seriously. I don’t even want to do it anymore.

But tomorrow, in my mailbox is going to come the cleanse from AdvoCare.

You know how you hear about something and then you search the internet for all of the reasons not to do it? And then you find some before and after pictures that are unbelievable and you’re all “Yeah, cool Photoshop job, yo.”

Check out this photo of some results after doing a 24-day cleanse on AdvoCare:

 

Chick went from a size 10 to a size 0. Dropped some serious pounds. Feels fantastic. Life is changed. 

If this crap is true, then I want in. All the way. But can you believe any of this?

PLOT TWIST.

That photo up there is of the only person I probably trust as much as my parents and myself. My twin. The other half of my cousin-bff-born on the same day-heart.

Here, have another photo. This one features me in my younger years:

Me=Left. I still sleep like that. Truth.

 

 

Yeah, so. Teri made the decision to try AdvoCare a little over a month ago and has had stunning results.

For the duration of the 24 days, I knew she was cleansing, but not really the deets. When she was done, she told me that she was feeling really good. I was mildly interested, so I asked some questions. Before I knew it I was agreeing to do a cleanse.

I feel the need to be blatantly clear right now. I know I seem pretty indifferent throughout this entire post. However, I am very protective over what goes into my body, especially with my obsession with mental health. 

I know the benefits. Doctor endorsed. Drew Brees endorsed. Major League Soccer endorsed. Teri endorsed.

I know the risks, because I mean, she’s honest and I can read. This doesn’t work for everyone. You have to commit and do the program or it won’t work. She can’t control how my body is going to react to the cleanse or going into a more permanent supplement plan with AdvoCare. But all I can do is try.

I know this is giving like, zero information and isn’t really selling the cleanse. But my job isn’t to sell it. I kind of want it that way for now. As much as I love Teri with my entire being and heart, I need to make sure it works for me before I can preach it.

For the next 10 days, starting Wednesday, I’m going to be ridding my hot bod from all of the toxins inside and prepping it to actually be able to get the nutrients that it needs. Who knows if its going to work for me. All I know is that something is off with my body, and not getting the right nutrients could be it.

I’m tired of being stuck. So here goes nothing.

When I rip into my box tomorrow, I’m going to call Teri and have her explain everything in it to me. Again.  I’ll be blogging and tweeting my results and good moods and crappy moods and stuff. Because accountability.

SORRY IF I DON’T SOUND MORE EXCITED BUT THIS IS REAL LIFE.

 

Doctor Google PhD Says I Need Lithium. I think I Might Be Normal. Or Not.

When I feel even a small twinge of pain, I flip my shit. Pain means something is wrong somewhere, and I need to know what it is. And since, I don’t have medical insurance until Obama gives me his care or makes me get it (I really don’t understand this policy or politics in general), I go to the best doctor I know and he’s free.

Dr. Google, PhD.

9 times out of 10, Google sends me right to a WebMD page that says I’m dying or all of my teeth are falling out and of course I flip my shit. Again.

I’ve learned that you should probably ignore the first one or two results that Google gives you because I think they’re given to you in order to make you scared so you’ll Google even more.

EXAMPLE:

Google: Stuffy nose, sore throat, lump in throat, red eyes, coughing mucus

RESULT 1: CANCER

RESULT 2:  TRANSPLANT

RESULT 3: Calm down, you have a cold. Take Nyquil and CHILL THE HELL OUT.

A few months back you might remember my daring attempt at cutting all chemicals from my daily routine. Since I’ve been on some sort of anti-anxiety medication since 2004 sometime, I figured my body needed a break. I’ve done it. Mostly. I’m completely off daily anti-anxiety medications, haven’t taken anything for months. I have reached for a Xanax on a few occasions in which I’ve felt Panic Attacks coming on. But I don’t take them daily anymore.

Also, did you know that a large amount of the general population is on Xanax? Like, I’ve talked to a few people about my little moodiness thing I’m going through and they’re all “Yeah, I’m on Xanax!”

That suddenly explains the behavior of all of the stupid people. I just tell myself they took an extra Xanax. Or, maybe they ran out of Xanax and are getting their Rx filled today.

ANYWAY.

Since I’ve been off of the medications, I’ve been overly aware of my moods. I know when I’m feeling good and I take note of what makes me feel that way. The same with anger, fear, and ALL THE EMOTIONS. It would make sense for me to start a Mood Journal, but I mostly do it in my head. I fear leaving my Mood Journal around the house and having one of my housemates see it opened, and read “July 9th, 2012 – Want to kill everyone. Bought new Rachael Ray knives. Feel better now!” So I haven’t done that yet.

What I have noticed is that I’m doing a lot of Rapid Mood Cycling. I feel super great fantastic for a few minutes or an hour, an then I crash and feel horrible. I stoke myself up for social situations with family or friends, but get there and almost instantly feel anxious and want to go home. If I don’t have a way home, as in, I didn’t drive myself and my “ride” isn’t there, I inevitably have to try and ward off an anxiety attack.

This weekend I was very excited for the annual family 4th of July Barbecue. I made my famous Jell-o Shots (Which really, I just pour sugar, add a lot of booze, and chill), and was ready for a fun day of drinking and swimming and playing with the little ones. Within 30 minutes of arriving, I was freaking out on the inside, wanting to leave, missing home, wanting to go into a quiet room, etc. Just as difficult as having those feelings is hiding those feelings. I had the normal conversations with the normal people and didn’t even hint once that I was feeling so anxious that I might go fetal position at any moment.

But I’m not crazy, I don’t think, at least. I get up everyday. I do work. I date. I do social events. I’m cool.

It’s almost as if half of me is telling myself that everything is fine, there’s nothing to worry about, and the other side is telling me all of the things that could possibly go wrong. I’ve read this as a symptom of Bipolar, however my GREAT VS OMFG-THIS SUCKS moods aren’t months at a time. Typically people cycle at mania levels for a few weeks, then slip into depression. My sad times are more prominent, but my happy times come too. They just turn off really quickly. Hell, I wish I had happiness or depression that lasted 3 weeks at a time, dude. I can’t keep up with these hour to hour mood changes some days.

And it’s not the SAD depression, really. It’s more like an irritability or lack of motivation. Kind of ilke a case of the Mondays. Every other hour.

I can go weeks with being fine, with normalcy, but then I go through a few months where the mood cycling is just nuts!

Dr. Google, PhD says I have:

1. Cancer

2. Extreme BiPolar that needs Lithium as treatment

3. Some kind of General Anxiety Disorder.

If this is the case, medication might be the right thing here. The key will be the RIGHT medication, and not just the easiest thing. Plus, getting back in the habit of therapy, too.

I don’t consider this a failure at cutting chemicals out of my body. Not at all. If I have a true chemical imbalance, then medication may be required.  I’m going to my Primary Doctor tomorrow to get her opinion of it all. Maybe I’ll walk out with an Rx.

Or maybe I just need to eat more Omega-3 and work at the beach so I get some natural Vitamin-D.

Either way, bring it. I can take this shit on.

Of course, there’s always the slight possibility that I’m normal, and this is just what life is about — a series of emotions and learning to ride the waves.

WHO EFFING KNOWS?

BRB. ASKING GOOGLE PhD!