Let’s have a little pow-wow, yeah?

I’ve been absent from a lot of my commitments lately. Like, the #vodkagirls, the Twitter, and even here on good old Katie Blogs.com. I even cancelled a trip to Austin to spend time with some incredible fellow bloggers + friends.

It happens.

This has happened before. I get all caught up in stuff, and I apologize profusely and vow to try harder, do better and to be around more.

Not happening today, cupcakes.

I’ve learned something during my few weeks out of the spotlight. It’s a little thing called Fierce Love.

It all started in the beginning of November. I was in the middle of an Asthma attack while visiting my mom and her husband who are both smokers. I was laying in bed, and I could feel my lungs filling with smoke. My chest tightened, my eyes watered, and my legs were shaking. Something as simple and automatic as breathing became something that I had to focus on, and even that was becoming more difficult.

I’ve had asthma attacks before, but never like this. Of course, I did what any right minded person would do: I tweeted. Not long after, I raced outside for air. As if out of no where, a major asthma attack became severe.

I won’t discuss the happenings from the moment I walked back into my mom’s house to the time I called my friend in a panic to come pick me up. We’ll say the events were emotionally charged. But the end result was that I left the situation – something I never do.

I’m a hang-tough kind of girl. I have a high tolerance for pain, and the endurance to withstand a lot of stress. Or at least, that’s what I tell myself. The truth is that I put up with a lot of unnecessary crap – and my soul, my inner-self takes a beating. Daily.

Each time a choose someone else’s happiness over mine, each time I allow someone to speak to me disrespectfully or talk down to me, each time I say ‘yes’ when I mean ‘no’, each time I say ‘no’ when I mean ‘yes’, a piece my inner-self dies inside.

One day I woke up, and I realized that my inner-self, my true-self was almost completely deflated. She was too tired of being ignored to want to show up for life. I felt unlike myself, like I was a product of what everyone else was wanting of me.

When I left my mother’s that night in November 2011, I breathed life into my soul when I walked out the door. I walked to the end of the block, and my tears had dried. My inner-self (who I’m working on naming, FYI) let out a weak, but appreciative ‘Thank You.” I made an important decision that night.

I chose myself.

Since that night, I’ve been actively taking a time out and examining myself everyday. It hasn’t been easy. When your inner-self is so used to taking the back seat and you bring her immediately to the front of the stage, there’s a certain amount of fear that comes along with it. I battle daily with the voice inside that tells me I’m letting people down; but I really need to focus on myself.  Swallowing those feelings is difficult. Not gonna lie, yo.

So, I want to blog more. I want to be more active on the Social Media, I want to check in with my #vodkagirls. But right now, I need you to trust me. I’m exactly where I need to be, which is exactly where I am.

My weeks are spent working, reading, spending time with my dad, and watching television. I’m taking more things in. And I have more energy and desire to give in the process.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned: It’s wonderful to have goals. It’s great to have a list of things to accomplish.  However, I don’t have to wait for those things to happen in order to love myself. I don’t have to earn love. I deserve it.

Today, one of the absolute best programs ever to grace the internet is being launched. The Fierce Love  program is a product of  @stratejoy and is the basis of my realizations over the last few months. Brilliant, eh? If you’re lookin’ for some Fierce Self Love, then totally check it. There’s really no better gift to give yourself. You deserve it. 

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