I have these days where everything is on par. I get up early, have a cup of coffee, rock some pinterest action. I go to work, put in 8-10 hours of quality time where I accomplish a ton of stuff. I go home, eat a healthy dinner, am happy to see a client paid me, I do some freelance work and go to sleep after watching some Dexter reruns.
And then there are days like today. The sun is shining brightly into my office. I have a delicious Lean Cuisine waiting for me in the freezer. I’m not even close to being rich, but I have some money in my bank account. It’s a good hair day today. On the outside looking in, I have it made. It should be a good day. I should be an effing ray of sunshine.
But it’s not. I’m not.
I could blame it all on the toothache I’ve been suffering from. But I don’t think that’s it. At least not all of it.
I feel like I’m in a funk. Just a really weird funk.
I’m looking at a pile of paperwork that needs to be filed. It’s easy enough; take each piece of paper, put it into a pre-existing folder or create a new one for it. Repeat. Repeat again. Repeat again and again until all paper is filed. How is it that I know what I need to do, but I don’t know how to do it?
I’m much more aware of my feelings these days. I don’t just sit with negative feelings. I don’t over-analyze them either. Right now, though, I’m lacking the inspiration needed to get up and going.
When I get in these moods, I have a list of things I can do in order to get back on track — it’s one of the great tools I’ve learned in my most recent stint with therapy. One of these tools is browsing the internet for inspirational quotes. I’ve done that for the last 20 minutes. Nothing.
Another is sending an e-mail to a friend. I thought about doing that. I just did that and basically just asked if the cosmic stars were off or something. They stated that it was probably just me. ….. Super.
Also on my list is enjoying a soda (even though I gave it up for the New Year). I already did that an hour ago. Still feeling shitty.
Farther down on my list of things to do to kick a bad mood are things I tend to avoid because they require me to get up and actively do something… Like taking a walk, going to the rooftop deck and taking a breath of fresh air, or getting a spur of the moment manicure. That’s one of the perks of working in the city, bad moods shouldn’t exist because there’s so much awesome everywhere. But alas, here I sit, at my cluttered desk in one of the worst moods ever.
This is the point where I historically beat the hell out of myself for being in a yucktastic mood when I should be happier. I have it better than many other people, and I know that. There are a million reasons that I should be happy right now, but I’m just not.
And you know what? Instead of beating myself up about it, I’m just going to say it: I’m in a bad mood. I’m not in the mood for anything except for my bed and maybe a movie. Definitely a pint of Coffee Heath Bar Crunch B&J’s, some fuzzy socks and a stuffed animal. Probably wine, too, but I’m standing firm on my “no alcohol pledge” until April.
So, I’m closing up shop and heading home right now. But not before stopping at the corner store for Ben and Jerry’s. I owe it to myself. Everything isn’t okay right now, and that’s okay.
Everything will be okay again.
