Sup, potential date.
That’s the first thing you should know. I begin about 83.4% of my greetings with “Sup”, “Yo” or “Sup, yo?”.
I figure that we met one of two ways: While I was drunk in a bar (gave up the booze for New Year. No, I don’t have a problem) or online. Because, yes, I have online dating profiles that exist. I think online dating profiles are important for people who love the internet as much as I do.
If you don’t like the internet, you’re nuts and we probably should just break up now. Without the internet, I wouldn’t have great stories like the one about buying my grandmother a Jackhammer Jesus and the painstaking efforts that I had to take in order to intercept that package. Without the internet you’d also have never come across this blog post either. See that?
First and foremost, I’d like to commend you on finding my blog on the internet. Yes, it’s easy to find if you Google my first and last name. You’d be surprised how many people don’t do that these days. You better be damn sure I’ve Google’d the heck out of you. I know your name, your approximate age, the things you like on Amazon and that your MySpace account is still active. I won’t hold that against you, though. Everyone gets a few strikes.
Anyway, the point here is a list of things that you should know before you even consider asking me to attend any sort of public function with you. Unless we’ve already gone out, in which case if you violated any of these things and we’re still talking, I like you enough to give you free passes.
1. I blog. (duh.) I will always blog. I don’t know that I’ll ever blog about you. Unless you’re a total turd like Tony, the Notebook Boy.
1.5. I’m going to insist that you spell words correctly when speaking to me. Please. I’ll probably misspell here and there, but I’m a grammar geek / word nerd and if you start shorthanding me, I’m going to throw up and then blog about it.
2. My dad is a bona fide crazy guy, but I adore him with every ounce of my being. He wears mismatched socks, pretends to have asthma, loves creamed chipped beef, drives a Ford F150 that is way too big for him and is still mourning the loss of our dog, Tuck and his brother who both died last year. I had to convince him that “Sex Bomb” by Tom Jones is an inappropriate ring tone for him to have for me when I call. We agreed on “That’s What Friends Are For.”
3. I budget about $100/month for coffee. I’ve tried to adjust this budget, but have you ever been to Cosi? No? Well, once you go there, we can talk about it.
4. I’m always going to have my own bank account. I don’t mean to get all “long term” on you, but I figure you should know this right now.
5. If Michael C. Hall, Ralph Fiennes, or Gaspard Ulliel ever ask me out, I’m going. Hands down. I’ll be honest with you, I’ll probably at least go to 1st base with them.
6. I’m sleeping on the left side of the bed. I also need 4 pillows and possibly some Christmas lights. No, I’m not kidding.
7. I have an obsession with Sour Cream, Pancakes, Nutella, Shredded Cheese, Green Tea, Turkey, Sweet Potatoes and Tomato Soup.
8. If you do not like Dexter…well, I don’t really know how I’d handle that. The same goes for Pancakes. If you don’t like them, then we have to find a way to make you like them or it’s not going to work.
9. I have an unhealthy relationship with my day planner.
10. I know all of the words to this song. And this one. I also like Blue October, Michael Bolton, Incubus, Kenny G and Michael Jackson. I will see them all in concert every time they come. Well, except for MJ, because…well, yeah.
11. I enjoy multiples of 11. A lot. It gives me the biggest joy ever that channel 111 is the Investigation Discovery channel, with all of the True Crime shows, AKA my favorite.
