I’m resisting the urge for a TWSS joke because this is a serious topic, yo.
But, TWSS.
Now that that’s out of the way.
I’ve been a lot of things to a lot of people. From friend, sister, girlfriend, daughter, boss, coworker, and even enemy, I’ve held a lot of positions. In more than one of the above, I’ve come second or made to feel that I take the backseat to someone more important. While this might be the case in some situations (I don’t expect to come before a significant other’s parents’ health or my boss’ family responsibilities), I don’t expect to feel that I’m not a priority at all. And I definitely expect to be someone’s number one.
Arguably one of my best character traits is being giving. In fact, I’m giving to a fault. I’ll give and give and give until I have nothing else to give and I’ll still give. Not everyone is like this, and there are even some who will learn to take advantage of my generosity. For example, if we’ve ever been out to dinner together, you know I’ll try to pick up the tab. Not because I have to, but because I want to. After extreme arguments, people tend to let me get the tab with the understanding that they’ll get the next one.
On the next occasion, I’ll try to pick up the tab again. This plan backfires on me when someone gets too comfortable with my getting the tab, and they allow me to do it. It’s my own fault because I insist that they allow me to do it. Maybe part of me wants them to fight me back and insist that they contribute because I’m worth it.
I can think of a million arguments with significant others of times past where I’ve stepped way over the line of verbal conflict and said something so penetratingly hurtful, just to one-up the other person and get a rise so I’d feel that they cared for me. I’m not about to blame myself solely for the inevitable end of my relationships, but it definitely takes two to play that game. From what I’ve seen of healthy relationships, usually one person stops the argument and says “Okay, this is going nowhere. Let’s take a time out.” Shit. Why didn’t I think of that? It should have been more about ‘us’ in these cases, moreso that my own need to feel wanted, look better, or be right.
In hindsight, I’ve also taken backseat to other people, particularly with friends who have started dating, or even as my parents moved on after their divorce to their new significant others or habits.
At the end of the day, I tend to put others first before me. Other people in my life historically tend to put others first before me. So, when exactly do I come first? Is it just me or am I getting the short end of the stick and allowing it to happen?
I can’t really put people in my life individually on blast, because they should put themselves number one. Their priorities may be skewed slightly, but if they’re doing what they want and what makes them happy, then I have absolutely no room to judge. Maybe I could get a hint or 2 from them since loving myself and honoring my own values has been such a radical and unheard of idea to me for so long.
I’ve been practicing a lot of fierce self love recently. Getting to know what I like to do, what makes me happy, where I feel most at peace, who I like to spend my time with, and how I want to be treated. I do want to cultivate healthier relationships in my life, but before I am able to successfully do that, I need to cultivate the most important relationship of all, the one I have with myself.
Recently, Ashley wrote a love letter to herself, and I found that to be extremely inspirational and downright scary.
I do love myself, but I don’t know if I could dedicate over 800 words to myself in a love letter. I’m getting there, though. There are things I love about myself, my resilience, my dedication, my compassion. I could probably pump out 800 words on self-love, but would I believe all of them?
I’m a work in progress.
Recovering from years of self induced self loathing is a bitch. But there’s no other person I’d rather be making this self discovery with. That someone’s number one that I long to be should be my own.
I can be a better person everyday because I truly do love myself and I deserve good things. And that I believe with every ounce of my being.
While being sometimes selfless is 100% admirable, I’m learning that being sometimes selfish is 100% necessary.
*Photo Credit: via
