Today was a first in Katie Colihan history. I spoke in front of people. Albeit 14 people, but still, in front of people who were looking at me for expertise on something other than my awesome That’s What She Said jokes and ability to make ridiculous faces with children.
Exhibit A:
The majority of friends and family that I told I was taking this awesome opportunity to speak at a local university on blogging were all super excited. I smiled awkwardly and said, “Yeah, it’s…exciting.”
What I was really saying was “It’s exciting. They should have picked someone else for this. I’m not good enough.”
Oh, negative nellie, you’re always all up in my kool-aid.
Don’t get me wrong, I volunteered to do this gig. I wanted to. But honestly, it all boils down to the fact that I’m pretty freakin’ afraid of talking to people. Or at least people in groups in a public speaking setting. I lose my nerve. I get self conscious. Every possible fault I could find is magnified 10x in my head.
One on one conversations? I got that, yo. There’s give and take there. I ask you to take of your pants how you’re doing, and then you ask me to do that thing how work is going. Conversation goes back and forth, and during awkward silences, we do the logical thing; order a round of shots.
This was nothing like that. I think drinking is prohibited on campus. So is nudity.
I had to be professional (mostly), and share my knowledge of blogging with some people who really have never blogged before. I sat in a room of 14 people and had to fill an hour’s worth of time with blogging information. I thought I’d have a difficult time filling the hour, but I certainly didn’t. Once I start on blogging, I just could go on for hours. In fact, I think I could have shared more on the importance of design, effective blogging tips, more SEO, and so on, but there’s only time for so much.
Because I’m an ISFJ / ISFP (I switch back and forth, apparently), I need to feel liked, needed, and wanted. (This probably explains my inability to make decisions in fear it’s not going to make someone else happy). Therapy sure does do me well. I’m so effing self-aware.
The idea that these impressionable college students might not be into blogging and think that my lecture was a waste of time was the biggest fear here. Though I don’t know if I’ll ever see any of these people again (I hope to, awesome group of people!), I went in desperately wanting them to like me.
I had the technical stuff down. I knew I could answer any question that came my way. I knew I’d accurately depict blogs and how to start one. The fear was in being accepted, and not sounding like a bumbling fool. Particularly when I am nervous, my thoughts don’t make it to my mouth in the same way they’re thought of. Does that make sense? It’s like my thoughts get sidetracked in ADD land before they make it to my mouth.
I shared with the students afterwards that I’m not a speaker – I hide behind blogs and written pieces because I can always hit the backspace button and it’s as if it never happened. It’s not the same when giving speeches. You can probably get away with saying “forget I said that” about once before the rest of the audience checks out mentally of your speaking because they think you’re an idiot.
But I shall speak again. And maybe I’ll draw some pictures or some kind of board friendly material. At the end of the class, a few of the student’s stayed behind and asked me questions, which was reassuring. There was even one girl who is looking for an internship in Social Media Marketing. You could tell she was super passionate about doing it. I love that passion. It’s the same passion I have for Social Media, Blogging, Psychology, and Pancakes.
So, my fear of speaking was completely in my head. I am a fine speaker. I know a lot about blogging. Since these students were in the class that was about personal development through social media they WERE interested in what I had to say. Regardless, there will be situations where people don’t like me, what I have to say, or the message I bring.
Such is life.
It’s funny, one of the things I told everyone about blogging today was to “like what you’re blogging about, and believe in it, or else people won’t believe in you. They’ll sense your disinterest in your writing.”
The same probably goes for speaking. And anything for that matter. If you’re not passionate about it and believe in your abilities, people will sense it.
Since the professor asked me to come back next semester, and I happily accepted, I’m going to be even more ready and excited next time. I’ll probably still be peeing my pants beforehand, but I know the outcome will be fabulous.
