What To Wait For

 

For the last, I don’t know, 12 years, I’ve been going on dates with men with who the only hurdle that they ever had to jump was the one where they liked me. Or claimed they liked me.

I remember in class when one of my friends would come over and say “Hey, SO AND SO really likes you!” and I would be so excited. Granted, I only saw so and so maybe for 30 seconds in the hallway so I’m not sure what he liked about me, but OMG HE LIKES ME. VALIDATION MEDAL ACHIEVED. CUE MCHAMMER DANCING. (I still do that.)

Looking back, it was likely the fact that I had a 36-C cup as a Freshman and that I could also read a book in about 50 minutes and ace the test on the book. I had a well paying job and bought all of the Cliff’s Notes. That Cliff, matchmaking since 1990. The attraction could maybe  have been that I had a kick-ass Dodge Shadow. Or that I had an older dad who would let us eat all of the swedish meatballs out of the refrigerator at 1AM. Or that I had a computer with Hearme.com and Soundblaster.

My point here is that the only qualification that I gave these men was that they liked something that I had that could benefit them. I probably had some Daddy-issues of my own that had me craving the attention of a male role model. Another day,another therapy session.

Whatever, my first few boyfriends made it off easy. They dictated what the relationship would be like, and I went along. After all, they were sacrificing their time to be with me, the least I could do was buy their meal, dress the way they wanted, wait for them to leave their girlfriend,  change my religious views, and accept their occasional drug use. Right?

I think this is the perfect time to call bullshit.

Wait, that bullshit isn’t big enough.

 

It’s BULLSHIT.

(If I knew more about WordPress and HTML, I’d make that so damn big, you don’t even know.)

In life there’s always going to be bullshit. But that doesn’t mean you have to accept it.

I know, I sound like such a therapist.  But I’m not. I’m a human who realizes that one of the top reasons you should date someone is not just because they like you.

 

A friend of mine was telling me about a conversation that she had with a guy she met on Tinder (I’m making the same face you are right now. Trust me.) and I asked “So, you know, what’s so great about him?” and she said “Well, he likes me.” I pushed it further and said “Well, why?” and she said “Come on! Do you have to ask?”

Girl. listen, they damn well better like you because you’re charming as fuck and when the light shines the right way, your eyes are golden brown. And the way that that tank top lies perfectly on your hips that makes you look like you have ass for days.And how when you’re so hungry you get really mad which you’ve cutely dubbed “the hangries” so he doesn’t want to murder you when you give the look of Satan that is really just the craving for food into your mouth.

And even those are just physical. Let’s not get into how big and sexy he should find your brain. ‘Cause damn girl. You so smart.

 

Saying the words “I like you” is actually adorable. But only if you have a firm understanding of why. A cute little “I like you” from your significant other in the middle of the day is endearing, because you should know the War and Peace version of why he/she does like you.

That was probably his gift to you last Valentines Day, you know. A  novel sized list of all of the reasons he likes you. At first you thought it was a book of cheesy- but then you realized this was more of a gift to him than it was to you and you think he’s so smart for it.

That way whenever you whip out that question “Why do you like me?”, he kind of just needs to point to the book that you keep dusted and displayed on the mantle. You think he’s taking the easy way out as he sits there and does his crossword puzzle. So you silently stomp over a bit disappointed when he suddenly says “Page 20. Reason 8.”  You look it up, because you don’t have them memorized. Yet. And read the words on page 20: “You always make me a perfect cocktail when I’m doing my crossword puzzle on Friday night and I don’t even have to ask.”

SEE? THAT’S CUTE.

“GET ME A BEER.” is not cute.

Know that difference. It’s kinda big.

 

When someone asks me why I like the person I like, I have a hard time knowing when the right time to stop listing things because there are so many reasons. I’m a tough cookie to crack, but once I’m cracked, I let all of the light in and can’t stop talking about his sense of humor or how he always has a way of making me grin, or asks the right question, or puts on an episode of Dexter I’ve seen a million times when he knows I’m miserable.

And if you ever do ask the seemingly silly question of “Why do you like me?” – You should never have to wait for an answer. Unless he thinks he’s being cute and teasing you with making you wait for his long, part silly part adorable list. But if he brushes you off, and makes you wait. You stand up, brush your tush off like a lady and walk out the door.

You should never have to wait for an answer like that.

…nor should you have to wait in front of a car door for it to be opened for you.

…or for  his hand to at LEAST TRY and grab the check from the table. (Even if he’s going to lose because your reflexes are like a jungle cat when it comes to grabbing the check.)

…or should you ever have to wait for the day that you’re going to be number one in someone’s life.

Guess what, pretty stuff. You already are number fucking one. Or you should be in your own life.

And one day, out of no where you’re going to come across a guy who reminds you why you put up with the bullshit of everyone else. It was training for this one. And he’ll be better than okay. He’ll be really good. 

His favorite thing to do with you isn’t going to fantasize and pretend what life will be like once he gets his shit together. Because it already is.

His favorite thing isn’t going to tell you how you could be better. Because you’re the absolute best you. And he knows it. And reminds you when you need to know.

His favorite thing to do is going to be simply talking to you about his day and the parts that you missed. Those are always the tough parts… the parts where you were missing.

And the absolute best part is that you’ll never have to wait for him.

Because  he  always  shows up.

Sometimes he’s late though because he went to THREE grocery stores to get the perfect whipped butter for your pancakes.

That’s one thing you always wait for.