Remembering The Why

 

So.Hi.

I don’t think the cleanse cured my funk, but it did bring to light how much what I put into my body affects my mood. Even after the 10 days of required raw eating, I decided to try and keep a 80% green 20% lean mean diet, and I’ve stuck to that mostly with a few bites of a friend’s burger here and there. I opt for salmon over beef, I have at least two vegetables with every meal. I still haven’t had even one soda. Not even a sip. I’ve had pancakes once, and it was a miserable experience.  I learned a lot about food, and what to look for on packages and what’s good for you.

I did realize that over the last few days I was in a foul mood. I was just miserable. Typical Katie would just be miserable and wait for it to pass. This in-transition Katie asked “Why the hell am I in this bad mood and what can make it stop?”

I had no idea what it could be, so I went back over my diet tracker that I use just as a way to calculate calories, and realized that I hadn’t tracked my food in several days. I know I had eaten according to plan because my house doesn’t have anything unhealthy in it. I didn’t know if it was because I was feeling messy since I hadn’t tracked my food, or what, and then it hit me. I wasn’t getting enough water. For the last two days, I’ve gotten over 120 oz of water in me each day and my mood has elevated slightly. We all know I’m naturally lower in the mood realm, but I had no idea that I was so dehydrated. I also suspect that I missed some meals, so my body was probably pissed off at me too. So I’ve been trying to stick to eating every two hours, doing one meal replacement bar per day,, and downing my water. So far, so good.

Something I’ve been struggling with recently is staying focused during my work day. I’m doing my own thing again so I have to have a lot of self discipline. I work best alone, with music on and zero distraction. But times I get really unfocused and end up having to stay up much later than necessary. While the nature of the projects that I have do require me to pull a few late nights, I wonder how much of that could be slashed in half if I just focus more. Again, Typical Katie would have just continued to work as late as it took, put things off that she could, and would wait for things to get better. In transition Katie asked “Why”

And then I had a breakthrough.

Throughout any given day, I’ll lose focus of why I’m doing something and that’s the exact point where I give up doing it or let some of the passion out of my balloon, get lazy, etc.

  • I’m eating healthy, not drinking diet soda, and working out –WHY?

Because I like the way I feel when I’m healthy. 

  • I’m choosing to release certain people from my life.–WHY?

Because they bring me down rather than raise me up. I want to feel inspired.

  • I’m writing a 10,000 page e-book on something I’m not passionate about.–WHY?

Because this is what I need to do to make ends meet right now. I want to feel secure.

  • I’m picking up side jobs for much less money than I would usually charge.–WHY?

Because I have a vacation in October that I am so desperately craving that I can’t even stand it. Every dollar saved beyond the bills that I pay goes into my vacation fund. I want to feel excited and carefree when I go on vacation.

 So, in order to remind myself of why I’m sitting at my desk for 16 hours a day, I have a photo of the sunset in Indian Rocks Beach, where I’ll be in just over 6 months. It keeps me going. It keeps me focused. It literally shows me the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

This is the point in my life where I strip down to the bare bones and rebuild.

(I even changed all of my profile photos to a completely bare faced picture of me from last night to show the world. This is me. Right now. Bare. Vulnerable. In the trenches. Fighting the battle. Moving forward. Actually, a little hopeful.)

I’ve had a rough few years, but I’m ready to stop hovering so close to the bottom so that the next fall doesn’t hurt so bad. I want to rise higher because  I can rise higher. The risk of being that high, content, happy is worth the fall. And honestly, the people that I have met and reconnected with so far on the way back up have been absolutely fantastic, so I know that any fall won’t be as bad with the support.

I think I’m not stuck anymore. I’m finally pulling myself out of the sludge and while it’s hard sometimes, It’s worth it. So worth it.